I would say that from a young age I have been unknowingly practicing both meditation and yoga. The story is similar to others, and borne through anxiety. An anxious child, I found it trouble to sleep, worrying thoughts running through my head over simple things like having to go to school purely because I had to talk to people, teachers and other children I wasn’t friends with. I learnt to tackle this anxiety (I didn’t even have a name for it at the time or knew it was even a problem to be addressed). I began to create worlds inside my head. I would lay in bed and create these worlds that were calm, mostly based on happy places or situations I had been in before. I would explore these worlds and make up stories with people I both knew and loved or didn’t know but who were the type of people who I wanted to be friends with. The type of people I find myself drawn to, even today. Eventually my mind would calm in these alternate worlds and I would be able to sleep. I would do the same thing on car journeys or when I felt anxious at school. I now believe this to be a child’s version of meditation. A world built purely to focus the mind and calm the senses. The vast and endless world of my imagination, ready to explore and to learn. Learn about myself.
I also found mindfulness through my physically body. The way it moved and felt. I often felt restless. I would run up and down the stairs in the evenings just to burn energy. If I sat still, I thought my muscles would literally burst. I loved the way my body felt when I stretched it out. I enjoyed being flexible and liked the attention I received from others, the gasps and shock in response to me twisting and turning my body into strange contortions. It felt to me like a way of communication, when social communication was too hard, I could communicate through my body, through dance, through performance. My way of showing the world who I was when my words didn't do it quite right. I loved being upside down. Climbing and hanging made me feel alive. I was practicing yoga at home, in the living room each evening tv on in the background but not really paying attention. For a child who was fearful of many things in the outside world, I found grounding and control within the space of my own body and mind.
I found yoga again during my time at university. 'Real' yoga I mean. I started yoga to get flexible again, after getting older and losing it a little. I, like many, thought that was all yoga was, a fitness class to get flexible, maybe a little toned. But I didn't really understand until I went though a dark period. A time when I thought self harm was the only way I could release the darkness inside. A darkness that felt as though it was poison running through my veins. I would cry almost every night, argue with those I loved and run out of the house into the night because it was the only way I could breathe. The best decision I ever made was to attend counselling. The councillor, who, thinking about it now, probably saved my life, recommended that I try mindfulness. Don't get me wrong, mindfulness, yoga and meditation are not an instant fix. You have to put the work in. Show up for yourself, heal yourself. But in those first few weeks, I felt like my mind was finally free from the torment. Since then, I have felt myself grow and flourish. I have achieved far more than I ever thought I would. I am proud of who I have become. It wasn't all easy, sometimes it felt like I were thrown back to square one. But with yoga and meditation, I had the tools to help myself get better, every time. I believe that everybody deserves to have these tools, this philosophy. This is why I am here. This is my calling, to share my love of yoga, meditation, nutrition and lifestyle, with you. I want to bring wellness to all of us.
I am lucky enough to have found this so young, and I would love nothing more than to share with you, the magic of yoga and meditation.
Lottie x
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